Dinner begins, and before the first bite even reaches the mouth, your child tenses, stiffens, or quietly pushes food away. The clatter of utensils, the smell of the sauce, even the sight of the unfamiliar food can feel overwhelming. You know they’re capable of eating what’s on their plate, but for whatever reason(s) their body is sending a clear message: not yet.
This isn’t defiance or stubbornness. It’s likely their nervous system communicating: it doesn’t feel safe enough to engage with the food in front of them.
The Nervous System Sets the Stage for Feeding
Eating isn’t just about hunger or skills. It starts with the body’s sense of safety. When a child’s nervous system is calm and regulated, curiosity and willingness open the door to trying new foods. When the nervous system is in a stress response state such as fight, flight, freeze, or fawn… the body can’t focus on prioritizing eating and mealtimes.
This is why pressure tactics (bribes, ultimatums, or the old “just one bite”) usually backfire. They don’t create safety. Instead, they confirm to the child’s body and nervous system that mealtime is something to brace against.
Why Safety Matters More Than Pressure
For a child who struggles with complex picky eating or a Pediatric Feeding Disorder, the real question isn’t “How do I get them to take a bite?” It’s “Does their body feel safe enough to eat right now?”
Safety, in this context, includes several key pieces:
Physiological comfort - Their nervous system is calm, blood sugar is balanced, and they aren’t experiencing pain or discomfort (like digestive upset, GI issues, or otherwise).
Sensory balance - Sights, smells, sounds, textures, and the overall environment feel predictable and non-overwhelming.
Emotional security - They know they won’t be forced, pressured, or shamed around food, and that they are loved and accepted no matter what they eat.
When these pieces are in place, a child’s nervous system can settle into a calm, regulated nervous system state, often called the “rest and digest” state. In this state, their body feels safe, energy is available for growth and learning, and mealtimes become far less stressful. A relaxed, regulated child is much more open to exploring new foods, noticing textures, and even tasting foods they might have refused before!
The Parent–Child Connection: Co-Regulation at the Table
While a calm nervous system sets the stage for eating, parents play a key role in helping their child reach that state. Children naturally mirror the energy of the adults around them. When you remain composed, patient, and supportive at mealtimes, it helps your child’s body feel safe enough to engage with food.
Co-regulation is the process of helping your child regulate their nervous system by first regulating your own. When a parent models calm, steady energy, it sends the signal to the child’s body that the environment is safe.
Simple ways to co-regulate with your child:
Pause and breathe - Take a slow, deep breath before interacting with your child or offering new foods. Your body’s calm signals safety.
Slow, intentional movements - Move gently and avoid sudden gestures at the table.
Use a calm, steady voice - Soft, neutral tones reassure your child and reduce tension.
Engage in calm activities together - Hand over hand stirring, simple sensory play with food (ex: squishing a berry with a utensil or finger), or even quiet conversation can help your child settle.
Co-regulation doesn’t mean ignoring challenges or letting your child eat only preferred foods forever. Instead, it’s about creating a predictable, safe environment where exploration is possible without pressure.
When your presence communicates calm and reassurance, your child is more likely to relax, notice the foods in front of them, and gradually experiment with new tastes and textures. This shared regulation lays the foundation for mealtimes that feel safe, supportive, and even enjoyable.
Practical Ways to Support Regulation at Mealtimes
Here are a few strategies you can try to help your child feel calm, safe, and open to exploring new or non-preferred foods:
Set a predictable rhythm - Consistent routines signal safety to the nervous system. Regular meal and snack times help children know what to expect.
Ditch the pressure - Remove bribes, ultimatums, negotiations, and all other pressure tactics and techniques around food and mealtimes. Offer food neutrally and without expectation.
Start with positive exposures and experiences - Foster their curiosity by letting your child learn about and experience new or non-preferred foods. Involve them in the process of picking out ingredients, touching, smelling, exploring foods without any pressure to eat. Ask them to help prepare the meal with you (helping wash/dry the produce, stirring, chopping, pushing a button, even just watching, etc.). These small, safe interactions help build comfort and curiosity, and over time reduce anxiety and overwhelm of the “newness”.
Balance blood sugar - Provide nutrient-dense and balanced snacks and meals at consistent intervals so your child isn’t arriving at the table already dysregulated. Aim for a balance of protein, fat, and carb options at snacks and meals (snacks should ideally look like mini-meals vs. a single carb option like crackers).
Model gently - Eat the foods you’d like your child to try, but keep it natural, neutral, and low-pressure. Quiet modeling often communicates more safety than repeated encouragement or “performance.”
Create a calm environment - Minimize loud noises, sudden interruptions, strong smells, and other overwhelming stimuli. Soft lighting, predictable seating, and a relaxed pace can make mealtimes feel safe.
Offer connection over consumption - Focus on shared moments at the table rather than forcing bites. Conversation, laughter, and gentle engagement help your child feel secure and encouraged.
Even small shifts in how you approach mealtimes… like how you invite them to the table or focusing on keeping your face and your voice calm through the meal can make a meaningful difference in their willingness to try new foods.
Additional Resources
If you’d like to explore even more strategies for supporting your child with complex picky eating using a gentle, no-pressure approach, I invite you to check out this related article I wrote for Documenting Hope. It dives into more practical ways to create stress-free mealtimes:
[Click here] to read the full article on Documenting Hope
If you prefer to listen to learn, check out my related podcast on this topic, “Anxiety, the Nervous System, and Your Child’s Complex Picky Eating” on Speaking of Health & Wellness: The Podcast. Find it here on the site or on iTunes, Spotify, and other major podcast platforms.
Final Encouragement
If mealtimes feel stressful, remember this: your child isn’t giving you a hard time. Their nervous system is having a hard time. When you slow down, co-regulate together, and focus on creating a sense of safety, you lay the foundation for a healthy long-standing relationship with food, mealtimes, their body, and you as their parent and/or caregiver. That is the long-term goal after all!
Want more support as you navigate feeding or developmental challenges?
If you’re looking for practical and respectful strategies to support your child’s feeding, development, and regulation at home, I invite you to download my free guide:
The Dos and Don’ts for Parents of Complex Picky Eaters
This guide will help you approach mealtimes more confidently and compassionately, especially if your child has underlying developmental or sensory challenges.
I’m wishing you and your child calm, confidence, and small wins at every mealtime!
Take care,
Shandy Watters (Laskey), M.A., CCC-SLP, FNTP
Founder + CEO, Speaking of Health & Wellness, LLC